Emissionen Nr 3 1995: It's ...
Eftersom Ulf Wallentin gick och blev Che har han inte tid att skriva underbara artiklar som "It's...". Därför följer här en av de bästa sketcher Monty Python har gjort. Håll till godo
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot
what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong
with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's
what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm
looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's re-stin'! Remarkable bird, the
Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting
at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh
cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repea-tedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock
alarm call!
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian
Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of
this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it
not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of
movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a
prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look,
why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable
bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that
it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed
that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em
apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has
ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a
stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im
to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic
processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN
EX-PARROT!!
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek
behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and
uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?